Hello Happy Readers!

I want to start off with a big disclaimer…

THIS BLOG IS SATIRE

I’ve been looking for ways to draw in readers and make money from traffic to the blog. I know people make a living that way, so I was doing research on exactly ‘how’ they do it. For the most part, all I’ve really determined is that I am NOT a marketing guy. I just don’t have the used car salesman genes in my makeup.

Anyway, during my research, I constantly found ‘how to make money’ stuff everywhere. I don’t do investing, and I certainly don’t look at the investment journals and such. My leanings are sci-fi, fantasy, and post-apocalypse stories. The obvious consequence of the research and the leanings caused my brain to make fun of the Investment Blog style in a very weird way. So, I wrote a Post-Apocalyptic style Investment Blog.

Here it is for your enjoyment (or to disturb you). I’m fine with either as long as you’re here.

How to Increase Wealth in a Post-Apocalyptic Economy

It’s no secret that trying to stay financially sound in our post-apocalyptic nightmare of a world is challenging, to say the least. That’s why it’s important to pass on those tidbits of knowledge you’ve gained from your brushes with death and uncertainty to other survivors. That’s why I’m doing my part to educate. You never know when the wealth of that friend you’ve made along the way could end up saving your life, especially if you’re the first to loot their corpse.

So, with that in mind, we would like to share with you some ‘survival hacks’ that might help you make it just one more day, and put some barterable goods in your pocket!

The first is very simple and one you’ve probably already figured out by now, but let’s do a deep dive anyway!

Looting

Taking things that are not secured and making them your own is THE number one way to increase your wealth in aftermath of Armageddon. Anyone left alive can tell you that it is a must. Here are a few tips on how to do it most effectively.

The Quick Grab

        If you see something, take something. Don’t just walk on by that obviously unprotected shelf of canned goods! Always carry a spare pack with a good bottom so you can scrape a shelf and run like hell before the hoarders see you doing it. You’ll end up plenty of unlabeled cans of beets and spinach, but hey, it’s free food! That’s the true measure of prosperity in a dead-world economy!

The Mass Prowl

        This one requires a group effort, and for the most part you want to make sure the area you’re looting is free of bandits, rival rape gangs, and mutated monsters before you get started. Then, take your whole gang and the largest vehicle you can find that still runs and grab everything of value all at once. Don’t be picky. Grab it all! You can burn or wipe your butt with anything that doesn’t seem useful after the fact. Just be sure you check everyone for anything they might hide in their pockets afterward to avoid those inevitable fights to the death over something as simple as a moldy twinkie. Besides, you might need that to pay your local warlord tax.

The Slow Walk

Now this is the most dangerous form of looting, but also the one with the most potential for finding the ‘good stuff’. If you suspect a location of concealing unspoiled riches, you should mark it on your mental map and go check it out when no one is looking. Stealth is your key here. Don’t let anyone know what you’ve found or they will probably beat you to the punch, and maybe even with one.

It can be done in any danger level zone, but be aware that finding hidden wealth is probably going to be a noisy proposition. Cracking old wall safes and hidden bunkers open is something that can really expose you to the vagaries of outside interference. You don’t want to unearth that hidden weapons stash with thousands of rounds of ammo just to get bush-whacked by the Army of Hate & Pain or some random alien psychoid that heard the clang of your sledge hammer. With that in mind, make sure you scout ahead, and keep the noise down! And remember, if it’s too heavy to move, you can always come back after you recruit another survivor to help. Just be prepared for their inevitable betrayal and pop a cap in that ass before they get the idea to steal what you’ve rightfully looted!

That brings us to the next most used, and probably the most lucrative, of all the post-apocalyptic wealth gathering techniques:

Stealing

This is a consequence bearing method of wealth acquisition, the severity of which can vary. For the purposes of this blog, we won’t go into the crowd-based close-quarters acquisition methods such as pickpocketing, bag or tent pilfering, and strong arming. Instead, we’ll focus on the more challenging types of lone wolf theft that is likely to get you rich quick if you keep from getting killed in the process. Because, let’s face it, groups invite pestilence and predation. Am I right?

So, let’s look at a few of the styles and techniques that are most likely to boost your stash-cash!

Highway Robbery

In this method, you’ll find a well-traveled path between survivor zones and hunker down until an unsuspecting person or group passes through. You’ll want to set up traps in advance, and anticipate reactions so that you catch those runners who fail to cooperate.

Remember, the golden rule is ‘shoot first’. Don’t be the dumbass from the old movies that announces their intent and demands the victim give up their shit. Shoot ‘em and take it. It’s the safest way.

Besides, you never know when some dorkus with an old granny pistol will accidentally hit you with a shot that rots your arm off or gets you eaten by plague rats in the night. Just don’t chance it.

Raiding

Now this one is tricky if you’ve gone the lone wolf route, but it can be done. You’ll need to pick your targets well. The most vulnerable are the transient groups who are packing all their stuff. If you time your raid after a particularly bad choking dust storm or after they’ve spent a few days fighting off a pack of disease riddled exo-wargs, they will be tired and much less prepared for a thinking enemy… uh… entrepreneur.

Use distractions to your advantage while you swoop in and scoop up the goodies. I’ve found that self-lighting Molotov’s on a timer work well for starling the guards and pulling them into a vulnerable position to be picked off. You can also keep some of those necrotizing bedbugs from the last pathetic township you extorted with those fake pain meds (see last week’s post), and you’ll be able to slip them into someone’s sheets. When they run to see what’s eating little Bobby in his tent, you can grab what you want and haul ass before they even know you were there.

Kidnapping for Ransom

This method requires a lot of advanced planning and the ability to keep a captive alive. It can bring bad things to your doorstep from multiple sources, so you have to be willing to invest the risk to self. The potential return is high though, if you do the research in advance.

By research, I mean knowing who has the goods you want and determining who is important enough to them to justify trading it all away for their life. That’s not easy in the current market because most people won’t give two cans of beans for someone they met on the road of survival. Know your vict…umm… investor.

Before you abscond with that significant other, be sure you have an escape plan and place to hide out while you wait on the ‘investor’ to raise the required funds. Once the exchange is set up, remember to never ever reveal your hos… uhh… product until the investor has turned over the ransom. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve seen shills get killed before the actual exchange when the ‘investor’ tries that last minute rescue attempt.

That reminds me, the key to never getting in a fire-fight with the ‘investor’ is to make sure you get someone else to make the exchange for you. Extortion is one way, but I’ve found it is not as foolproof as a remote collar bomb as the best way to ensure your ‘agents’ adherence to ‘company policy’.

But, I see smoke on the horizon, so advice on extortion will have to be a topic for another blog.

Thanks for reading, and remember, in the post-apocalyptic world you never know when you might be in the crosshairs, so be generous, drop a tip, and share this blog with the next reader so the attention is not on you!

Happy Reading!